


Bad Stargate Imagines 500 Follower Special Sneak Peek

by koolkatfieri



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, bad stargate imagines, shitposting with lore, there is no reason that I cannot self insert as god in my own fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24914950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koolkatfieri/pseuds/koolkatfieri
Summary: Imagine, Sam Carter finding out there are alternate dimensions they can visit. When sg1 gets approval to look into these other dimensions, they find that they’re all ridiculous in nature. One of them, they’re all wearing weird 80s clothes, another, Daniel is addicted to thai sauce. They realize they’re living in the optimal timeline. The darkest timeline is the one in which Daniel is on trial for murder over a guest not using a coaster for their drink. Little do they know, all the timelines but their’s is controlled by a 21 year old omnipotent being with a passion for shitposting.
Kudos: 7





	Bad Stargate Imagines 500 Follower Special Sneak Peek

**Author's Note:**

> This is a small excerpt of the fic I'm working on for my 500 follower special. It's going to be a bit of an homage to my entire blog. I'll update badstargateimagines when I post the first official part and this will be deleted

SG-1 were suddenly transported out of whaat they had deemed the darkest timeline. One in which Daniel was on trial for murder, Teal’c was addicted to nicotine, and Jack had lost his left thumb to the mob for reasons he cannot disclose. The transportation seemed asgardian in nature but not quite right. Something was off, but Sam couldn’t put her finger on it. It could’ve been the colour of the light, but it felt more… polished that asgardian beaming technology as if that was possible.

They were beamed into what looked to be an empty apartment. It looked like when a second year college student moves into a place. There were some lawn chairs in the living room all pointing to a Pulp Fiction poster on a cream wall. The lighting was all artificial despite there being windows in the room. The world outside was dark. A night without moon or stars. There was nothing.

As they began to look around, a girl looking to be about 20 emerged from a room off the living room. She looked at them and smiled warmly. “SG-1! I’ve been expecting you!” She greeted. Jack stepped in front of everyone and pointed his p-90 at the girl.

“Who exactly are you, kid?” He demanded. The girl playfully shrugged and sat down in a novelty camping chair branded with The Eagles

“Fascinating! You think I’m a child! I must say I did want to take the form of someone who reflected my age in your years but as it turns out your years can’t reflect a billion years old. I chose a form based roughly off my age compared to my superiors, but I assure you, though my form may be young, I am not a child.”

“What do you mean you’re a billion? You look like you’re 20!”

“Please, sit. I can explain. I insist that you sit. I learned by watching your television programs that it’s customary you sit and I offer you things.”

The four reluctantly sat down in the lawn chairs and stared at the Pulp Fiction poster. She looked at them all, one by one sitting in their chairs. When she was confident they had all achieved some level of comfort, she smiled and adjusted her backwards ball cap.

“What can I offer you? Beer? Coffee? That wonderful flavour of Hawaiian Punch? Oh you humans have finally discovered how to taste colours! It’s so cute! You’ve unknowingly done it, but blue Hawaiian Punch is the closest flavour to Blue you’ve created.”

Not wanting to touch on how weird the tasting colours thing was, SG-1 all shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

“Just some water for me, thanks” Daniel said apprehensively. The girl snapped and water poured all over Daniel’s lap.

“Given your expression, I’m now assuming you meant a glass of water.” She giggled. Daniel grumbled a bit as Jack and Sam stifled laughter. She looked at the floor and a coffee table with a pitcher of water and glasses appeared. She then snapped and Daniel’s pants were dry again and she had a can of Coors in her hand. She open the can, took a sip and shuddered.

“That tastes so yellow. Yuck!” She shouted, dropping the can. She snapped her fingers again just before the full can hit the floor and it disappeared.

She watched as they all drank in an uncomfortable silence. Their eyes shifted from each other over to the girl a few times. She raised her eyebrow upon seeing their discomfort.

“Perhaps you’d enjoy something more familiar.” She murmured as she snapped her fingers again.

They were suddenly in a booth at an empty Denny’s. Well, it was actually just the Pulp Fiction diner rebranded as a Denny’s it seemed. There was still only black outside, but she was right in that the location itself made them more at ease.

“Who- or what, are you?” Daniel finally asked. She looked at Daniel with wide blue eyes. Her face was childlike with high cheekbones and a big grin.

“My name is” in place of a name, everyone just heard dial up noises. “And I’m omnipotent. I believe a cultural reference of Q from Star Trek would suit me best.” She explained. Daniel cringed.

“I’m sorry, your name uh… It sounded like a fax machine.” He stated. Her eyes widened.

“My apologies! I guess you’re not at a point in evolution where you understand my name… I shall now be known as…” She opened her mouth to say her name, but it was just a recording of the chorus from YMCA by the Village People.

“I’m not calling you that” Jack muttered. The girl rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh.

“Ugh. I see why people hate working with you humans. Fine. Call me Ford.” Jack grimaced.

“Okay… Ford… Where are we and why are we here.” Jack demanded.

“We’re at Denny’s in the void, and you’re here because you’re dickin’ with my timelines.”

“Dicking?” Daniel asked suspiciously. “You were talking like an alien before, but you’re using contractions and slang now.”

“Jesus Christ. I bring you to Denny’s, I give you water, and this is the thanks I get? So whiney. To answer your question, Daniel, I’ve seen all of your most popular media and aside from TV, you’re not the only group I keep tabs on. There’s a very fun family in Newfoundland in Canada that has proven to be more interesting than you folks in terms of culture.”

“You’re keeping tabs on us? Why us?”

“You go on thrilling adventures, I learn about the Jaffa through Teal’c, and there’s some spicy yet problematic feelings to keep things interesting.”

Daniel cocked his head. “Okay so you mentioned your timelines. What about them makes them your timelines?”

“Well, Doctor Jackson, you inquisitive young man, every time you guys go through your gate, you’re making different timelines for every person on earth. I’ve chosen several hundred to experiment with. I like to see how you react.”

“Why would get me addicted to Thai sauce… or-or make Sam and Janet potheads? What about the one where I’m super into scrapbooking? Where did any of this come from?”

“I dunno… Kinda just thought it was funny. And you’re not really addicted to Thai sauce. You just think you are because it reminds you of your wife.”

“I’m sorry, my wife?”

“Yes. It’s tragic about her death. Your second wife I mean. Your first wife was doomed from the start and wasn’t a great match for you. I made Gemma’s car bust a tire on the freeway ahead of you and you saved her life. She was a perfect match for you. It’s too bad she choked on white bread dipped in Thai sauce, honestly.”

“What?”

“I thought it would be funny if, during pregnancy, she was craving white bread dunked in Thai sauce. Is that a crime?”

“These are real people you’re messing with! They have lives! They’re-“

“Addicted to Thai sauce as a form of coping with grief. Next!”

“It’s immoral!”

“It’s fun!” Ford grinned and snapped her fingers. A TV screen appeared next to the table. “I’ll show you. Here, let’s check in with 80s clothes timeline. They’re a barrel of laughs!”

They looked to the screen to see the people they had met days before. They immediately saw the eyesores of outfits they had on. They were all in the briefing room finding out where they’d be going next. Ford grinned again and looked Daniel right in the eyes.

“I wonder what would happen if we took General Hammond’s file away.” She snickered. She snapped and suddenly had his file in her hand.

On the screen, the chaos was only just unfolding. The general was confused as to where his file went. Ford made the footage go faster and returned to normal speed when the general started accusing people of stealing his file. When no one took it, they started to settle down. Ford scrunched up her face at the response of this SG-1.

“I’m gonna make a clown appear ruining down the hall with the file.” She said simply. She snapped her fingers again and there was the clown running down the hall, honking away. Ford laughed as the SG-1 in that timeline jumped to action.

“Get that clown!” Said the rootin’ tootin’ 80s cowboy Hammond.

Ford giggled and watched in glee as they chased the clown around the base. After about five minutes, she got bored and returned the file to the briefing room table and got rid of the clown. She snapped again and the TV was gone. Prime timeline SG-1 looked at her in horror.

“So you just do this for fun? Have you been dickin' with our timeline too?” Jack shouted.

“Watch your temper, colonel. I know how worried you are about your blood pressure.”

“I am not!”

“Are too, but who cares about that. To answer your question, no, I don’t dick around with your timeline. Your timeline is what I call the prime timeline. All the others are just copies of your’s. If I messed around with your timeline, there’s no telling what would happen to the spacetime continuum. As much as I would love to give you and Major Carter the happily ever after you deserve, or to have kept Daniel’s wife alive- In your timeline- I simply can’t. If I did I’d be sentenced to death by The Council of All and the fabric of space time would forever be a little… off. So no, I don’t mess around with your timeline, you’re fine. Although I did put a 5 dollar bill on the ground 5 feet away from where the piano was going to fall on Daniel a couple weeks ago.” Daniel looked at ford confused but still happy.

“You saved my life?”

“Yeah, don’t get all weepy on me. You would’ve actually died that time not just what my friends and I have dubbed ‘Daniel Died’ where you manage to stick around. Besides, you’re my favourite.”


End file.
